So, if you recall a couple posts back I was very emotional over giving up food. I mean, who cries over forgetting a smoothie at home or freaks out over people eating taco’s around them? A pregnant woman, thats who!
4 weeks ago, when Dan and I were sitting across from the doctor hearing that we may want to start searching out infertility treatment options we were at the time PREGNANT, we just didn’t know it. How amazing our God is. Through the next two weeks I began to get emotional and cry all the time, was on this crazy diet and was not losing any weight (in fact I was gaining weight), and was hungry ALL the time! On March 24, a little over a week after my appointment and 4 days before my missed period, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Dan looked at me like I was crazy and told me “you can take your 1 for this month.” Yes folks, he has me on a pregnancy test limit since I seem to be convinced every month that I am pregnant.
Well, I took the test, hopped in the shower while I waited the 3 minutes, and when I got out I saw a faint positive sign. At this point we were not convinced since back in December (new years eve to be exact) I had a false positive test. We left for the airport an hour later keeping our hopes in check, and 3 different brands of pregnancy tests in my purse. We were very early for our flight, so I snuck in the bathroom to take a second test. I waited for the result and was shocked when the second one came out a DEFINITE positive. I proceeded to grab the test and go running down the terminal screaming “Its positive! Its positive! I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant!” While waving the stick I had peed on only moments ago above my head. We decided we were only going to tell parents- that was it, until we could get back to Colorado Springs and see our doctor, so we called our parents to share with them the good news.
Well, our whole “not tell anyone” pact lasted about 5 minutes after we got to the house we were staying at. Dan was very excited about getting to eat sushi, and I looked at him and said “I cant eat sushi.. remember?” Which of course brought the question from our friends “Why CANT you eat sushi?!” We told them, called our siblings- because if friends new, siblings should know as well!
The next day, my mood was off and I could tell Dan seemed down. We spent some time in prayer, talked about it, and realized we were both starting to prepare for the worst. We knew that I had hormone problems and health issues, so we were both refusing to be excited. Once we realized this was our mentality, we began to pray because we did not feel we were thinking about this in a healthy way. God really pressed it on my heart through a couple encouraging texts from my mom that He loved this baby more than I could ever, and the body of Christ is around us to rejoice with us when we rejoice and mourn with us when we mourn. There was a life in me, and whether God gave us this baby to celebrate for 75 years or 2 weeks, we felt we needed to celebrate.
We then began to tell everyone we ran into. The morning sickness started, the exhaustion, and all hormonal changes began. We discussed names, planned what life would be like over the next 9 months, and just started dreaming, because, well that is what you do when you find out you are expecting. You hope. You plan. You fall in love with that life inside of you.
When we got back to Colorado I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy and get my blood work done. I was definitely pregnant. The blood work came back a few days later, my progesterone was a little bit low, so I was put on progesterone pills. My temperatures had been dropping a bit at that point, but they went back up after I was put on the pills. I was beginning to get food aversions… mainly mayonnaise and fish… and was craving pineapple and chicken all the time.
Monday, April 8 I began having moderate to severe cramps. I had been getting really mild cramps for weeks, and I figured my uterus was just continuing to grow. I called, researched, and prayed like crazy. I knew the pregnancy was out of my hands and began to pray for a miracle. All research told me was there was nothing that could be done if I already began to miscarry, and some cramping is normal. If I began to bleed, go to the E.R. immediately, but they would not be able to do anything. By Tuesday I knew something was wrong. My cramps were not going away, and they continued to get worse. I called the nurse hotline again and got the same answer- nothing could be done, wait for bleeding. Hopefully it was just normal cramping. Tuesday was the year anniversary of my Uncle Paul’s death and it happened to be a snow day. We went to my parents house to hang out. The whole day I could not shake the feeling that something was not right. I began to tell God (TELLING God what to do is not ever a very good idea…) that our family had been through enough this last few years, there is so much pain, so much hurt. This baby was supposed to be the joy in our family. A blessing to lift our spirits. New life. He couldn’t take that away! How would taking this baby be for anyone’s good!?
I fell asleep that night after reading Psalm 30 and 31. I apologized for my selfish banter with Him earlier, and I knew that whatever happened, he was in control, and I would choose to trust him.
Wednesday morning I woke up, bleeding. I decided to still get ready for work, but during my shower I began to double over in pain. I walked out to the kitchen and told Dan it was time to go to the emergency room. We were immediately admitted.
The doctor was very reassuring. He said that 1/3 of pregnant women who come in here have bleeding, and of that 1/3, 1/3 go on to have a miscarriage. He was trying to use these stats to comfort me until I informed him that I was a statistics teacher and was very aware of what that meant. He ordered some lab work, an I.V. to pump me full of fluids, a pelvic exam, and an ultrasound. The pelvic exam went well, my cervix was closed which was another positive. He said I was probably fine and would carry this baby to full term. I went in for my ultrasound next. We waited for the results, praying and hoping for the best, the doctor had raised our hopes, and we were in good spirits… planning the rest of our day.
2 hours later the doctor came back in. He informed us that the stats he gave us at the beginning of the day actually meant nothing in our situation. The ultrasound results showed no baby, no gestational sac, no sign of baby or life. My BHGc results came back at 386, which for my time of pregnancy should have been over 10,000. He explained that either their is a pregnancy somewhere, it is just an ectopic that they couldn’t see on the ultrasound, or, I have already lost the baby. He said either their was no implementation, or their was a normal implementation with a baby that did not fully develop.
The news was crushing. I began sobbing uncontrollably. I still have to go in for more workup Friday to ensure that my body is not still acting like I am pregnant. I took the rest of the week off work to mourn, heal, and just spend some sweet time with Jesus and my husband.
We cannot escape trials. Every time I have approached big news, I always ask myself what my biggest fear would be. When I got pregnant my greatest fear was miscarriage. I then ask myself: What can I do about it? and What will happen if my fears come true? The truth here was: I cannot ultimately do anything to prevent this, I can eat well, rest, take progesterone, and yet I am completely out of control. What will happen if I lose the baby? I will cry, mourn, pick myself up, and rest peacefully knowing my baby is with Jesus. My life will go on, more babies will come, and if more pain comes, well I will take that when it happens. We cannot live in our worst fears. We cannot live paralyzed by them. We have to keep moving forward, knowing that the peace of God surpasses all understanding.
Psalm 31:7-8 “I will be GLAD and REJOICE in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy, but have set my feet in a spacious place.”
Psalm 30:4-5, 10-12 ” Sing to the Lord you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment but his favor lasts a lifetime, weeping may remain for a night but REJOICING comes in the morning… Hear O Lord and be merciful to me. O Lord be my help. You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, I WILL GIVE YOU THANKS FOREVER”
I will choose, today, and each day ahead of me to praise the Lord for what he has done, knowing that my feet stand firm in a spacious place. He sees my wailing, my anguish, and lifts up my head. There will be rejoicing. I will rejoice.
It is amazing how verses come back from a time when you memorized them. The very first verse I remembered when I knew I had lost the baby was Matt 7:9-11 We memorized Matt 7 our Jr. year of highschool in bible class. Thank you Dr. Gordon for being so strong and pushing us to such high expectations. “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” My baby is a precious and good gift from God, and I will hold tight believing that.